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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Milwaukee Mayor Beaten With Pipe

While calling 911 to report an assault at the Wisconsin State Fair, Milwaukee mayor Tom Barrett was attacked by a 20-year-old man wielding a metal pipe. What do you think?
  • "See? Young people are far more politically aware than they are given credit for."

    Keith Wittels Academic Counselor
  • "Good for that guy. I'm sick of mayors and aldermen and county supervisors all up in my shit, telling me what to do. Especially county supervisors. They're the worst."

    Wendy Konidaris Unemployed
  • "What a shame. Now they'll have to discontinue serving sausage on a pipe at the fair."

    Mick Purnell Gas Inspector

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