Minimum Wage Hike Blocked

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Minimum Wage Hike Blocked

Senate Democrats blocked a bill last week that would raise the minimum wage, but would also cut the estate tax on multi-million-dollar estates. What do you think?
  • "I don't think I'm alone when I say that all the multi-millionaire janitors out there are going to throw a shitfit."

    Spike Schafer Bassist
  • "What's with these Democrats? Last week they blocked a bill that would've provided universal healthcare provided you had your forehead tattooed with a bar code."

    Betty Killman Street Vendor
  • "As a life-long conservative, this bill has made me understand that sacrifices must be made if we are to preserve the obscene mechanisms of patronage and entitlement that made this country great."

    Jones Liota Investment Banker


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