Minnesota Bars Running Dry

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Vol 47 Issue 29

Nation's School Systems Held Back A Year

WASHINGTON—Having continued to display learning deficits and a failure to reach basic educational milestones, the nation's school systems will be asked to repeat the academic year, sources confirmed Friday.
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Minnesota Bars Running Dry

Following a government shutdown in which bars in Minnesota were unable to renew their liquor-purchasing cards, many establishments are running out of alcoholic beverages to serve. What do you think?

  • "Just you watch, this is the first step in the Democrat agenda to turn America into a socialist, single-drinker state."

    Terry Martsch
    Systems Analyst
  • “I guess this is where the tourist slogan ‘Escape to Wisconsin to get completely shitfaced’ really pays off.”

    Maxine Nelson
    Booster Assembler
  • "Look, I've got some old beers stashed in my closet from last August when my parents were out of town for a week. Anything for a price, Minnesota."

    Eugene Plouf
    Unemployed
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