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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Minnesota Legalizes Gay Marriage

Following Rhode Island and Delaware, which approved same-sex unions earlier this month, Minnesota became the 12th state in the nation to legalize gay marriage Tuesday. What do you think?

  • “Midwest people are too nice.”

    Gordon Lonsdale Plaster Molder
  • “Delaware’s always setting the trends.”

    Ronald Fishwick Cigar Roller
  • “Ehh, I’ll still probably never go.”

    Isobel Maduemezia Dentist

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