After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Misbehavior Linked To Day Care

A recent study showed that children who attended day care for a year or longer were more likely to be disruptive in grade school. What do you think?
  • "This just goes to show you that day-care centers don't do enough to break the spirits of today's children."

    Eugene Liu Cardiologist
  • "What am I paying $250 a month for? I'm going to start dropping him off at the public library again."

    Edmond Franklin County Lineman
  • "What a relief that it's the day care and not my violent alcoholic rages that's causing my child to misbehave."

    Donna Tortora Administrator

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.