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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Missile Numbers Reclassified

The United States is reclassifying the count and locations of its Cold War nuclear missiles, information which has been in the public domain for decades. What do you think?
  • "Until they classify the movie War Games there will be a map of all US missile-installation sites available on cable every four hours."

    Ron Napier Limnologist
  • "Nothing wrong with admitting you made a mistake—in this case, telling the truth to an informed public. But it's not too late to correct that mistake."

    Jerome Bahn Stamp Collector
  • "We have to protect our missiles. What means do they have to defend themselves?"

    Rachel Shapiro Creative Director

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