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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Missile Numbers Reclassified

The United States is reclassifying the count and locations of its Cold War nuclear missiles, information which has been in the public domain for decades. What do you think?
  • "Until they classify the movie War Games there will be a map of all US missile-installation sites available on cable every four hours."

    Ron Napier Limnologist
  • "Nothing wrong with admitting you made a mistake—in this case, telling the truth to an informed public. But it's not too late to correct that mistake."

    Jerome Bahn Stamp Collector
  • "We have to protect our missiles. What means do they have to defend themselves?"

    Rachel Shapiro Creative Director

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