Missionaries Charged With Kidnapping In Haiti

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Missionaries Charged With Kidnapping In Haiti

Ten American missionaries were charged with kidnapping after trying to take 33 Haitian children—some orphans, some not—across the border to the Dominican Republic. What do you think?

  • "Trying to save these poor souls from extreme poverty by bringing them across a national border doesn't seem like a crime to me at all. Wait, unless it was the U.S. border."

    Matt Tremblay Alberene-Stone Setter
  • "We must ask ourselves: What would Jesus do? Would he not make fake brochures, steal other people's children, take them to another country, and then wish he'd thought it through a little more?"

    Shawn Decoutere Bus Driver
  • "Look, these people live in some of the most remote parts of the country. They're semi-educated at best and prone to superstition. They don't know the language. So we can't expect them to travel to Haiti and fully comprehend the seriousness of their actions."

    Rick Jackson Systems Analyst

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