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Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Missionaries Charged With Kidnapping In Haiti

Ten American missionaries were charged with kidnapping after trying to take 33 Haitian children—some orphans, some not—across the border to the Dominican Republic. What do you think?

  • "Trying to save these poor souls from extreme poverty by bringing them across a national border doesn't seem like a crime to me at all. Wait, unless it was the U.S. border."

    Matt Tremblay Alberene-Stone Setter
  • "We must ask ourselves: What would Jesus do? Would he not make fake brochures, steal other people's children, take them to another country, and then wish he'd thought it through a little more?"

    Shawn Decoutere Bus Driver
  • "Look, these people live in some of the most remote parts of the country. They're semi-educated at best and prone to superstition. They don't know the language. So we can't expect them to travel to Haiti and fully comprehend the seriousness of their actions."

    Rick Jackson Systems Analyst

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