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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Moisturizers Cause Cancer In Mice

Four moisturizers have been found to cause skin cancer in mice. What do you think?
  • "If you're trying to sucker me into running a mouse-cancer 5K, I'm not going to do it. I've lost too many damn weekends to those things."

    Danielle Molinaro Systems Analyst
  • "At least it made those tumors 41 percent more radiant."

    LaVon Wilson Networking Consultant
  • "What about eye shadow? Can I still apply eye shadow to my mice?"

    Warren Peller Backhoe Operator

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