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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Monica Lewinsky’s Clothes, Negligee Up For Auction

Thirty-two items that belonged to Monica Lewinsky during her time as a White House intern will be auctioned online, including a floor-length black negligee, a letter signed by President Bill Clinton, and a number of articles of clothing. What do you think?

  • “Unfortunately, my memorabilia budget is all tapped out from that Nancy Kerrigan estate sale.”

    Al Campos Flying Instructor
  • “I have authorized my agents to place several bids.”

    Wes Krakoff Shipping Magnate
  • “Please, please don’t bring up anything having to do with Monica Lewinsky. It’ll only awaken the deep, unbearable pain and anguish that roiled this country for many years.”

    Susan Sonski Remittance Clerk

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