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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Monkees’ Davy Jones Dies

Davy Jones, the British-born lead singer of the TV band the Monkees, died of a heart attack Wednesday. What do you think?

  • "Aw, I just got a crush on him yesterday."

    Judy Young Systems Analyst
  • "Now who am I supposed to think about when I'm kissing my husband? He's gotten kind of used to the swooning."

    Corey Rudd Pot Tender
  • "Man, and just when we thought we'd finally recovered from the death of aleatory music pioneer Karlheinz Stockhausen."

    Benjamin Williams Paper Archivist
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