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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Monopoly To Replace Iron Game Piece With Cat

Hasbro announced that the least popular Monopoly game piece, the iron, would be removed from the board game and replaced with a cat, which beat out other potential new tokens—a guitar, a robot, a diamond ring, and a helicopter—in an online vote. What do you think?

  • “But I was getting so good with the iron!”

    Rochelle Epper Dam Tender
  • “Who the hell are all these people who don’t want to be a fucking helicopter?”

    Norman Yant Abalone Diver
  • “That thing was an iron? My friends always told me it was a spaceship when they made me play with it.”

    Gabriel Struzan Darkroom Worker

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