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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Monopoly To Replace Iron Game Piece With Cat

Hasbro announced that the least popular Monopoly game piece, the iron, would be removed from the board game and replaced with a cat, which beat out other potential new tokens—a guitar, a robot, a diamond ring, and a helicopter—in an online vote. What do you think?

  • “But I was getting so good with the iron!”

    Rochelle Epper Dam Tender
  • “Who the hell are all these people who don’t want to be a fucking helicopter?”

    Norman Yant Abalone Diver
  • “That thing was an iron? My friends always told me it was a spaceship when they made me play with it.”

    Gabriel Struzan Darkroom Worker

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