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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Monopoly To Replace Iron Game Piece With Cat

Hasbro announced that the least popular Monopoly game piece, the iron, would be removed from the board game and replaced with a cat, which beat out other potential new tokens—a guitar, a robot, a diamond ring, and a helicopter—in an online vote. What do you think?

  • “But I was getting so good with the iron!”

    Rochelle Epper Dam Tender
  • “Who the hell are all these people who don’t want to be a fucking helicopter?”

    Norman Yant Abalone Diver
  • “That thing was an iron? My friends always told me it was a spaceship when they made me play with it.”

    Gabriel Struzan Darkroom Worker

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