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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Monsanto Corn Under Attack By Superbug

An Iowa entomologist discovered a corn rootworm that has evolved to be resistant to a pesticide produced by a genetically modified corn plant the Monsanto company developed to ward off that very bug. What do you think?

  • "That's why I always add extra pesticides to my produce the minute I get home."

    Julie Aldred Unemployed
  • "Uh-oh, you don't want to make Monsanto angry. Those worms had better get ready to have their asses sued off."

    Dan Holloway Immunohematologist
  • "You sure are talking up these rootworms quite a bit. Whose side are you on, anyway?"

    Terry Tyler Meat Cutter

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