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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Monsanto Corn Under Attack By Superbug

An Iowa entomologist discovered a corn rootworm that has evolved to be resistant to a pesticide produced by a genetically modified corn plant the Monsanto company developed to ward off that very bug. What do you think?

  • "That's why I always add extra pesticides to my produce the minute I get home."

    Julie Aldred Unemployed
  • "Uh-oh, you don't want to make Monsanto angry. Those worms had better get ready to have their asses sued off."

    Dan Holloway Immunohematologist
  • "You sure are talking up these rootworms quite a bit. Whose side are you on, anyway?"

    Terry Tyler Meat Cutter

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