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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Monster Energy Drink Cited In 5 Deaths

Reports of five deaths said to be related to Monster Energy Drink—including a Maryland teen who died of caffeine-induced cardiac arrhythmia after consuming two 24-ounce beverages in a 24-hour period—has prompted an FDA investigation. What do you think?

  • “At least we can take some comfort in the knowledge that they didn’t die drowsy.”

    Delia Cronenweth Nurse-Midwife
  • “Are they sure it was the Monster Drinks and not the totally bitching rush from their snowboard jumps or motocross races?”

    Javier Jimenez Bus Driver
  • “That’s tragic, but a good rule of thumb is not to consume 48 ounces of anything.”

    Paul DiBona Urban Planner
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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