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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Montana Bison Hunt

The three-month bison-hunting season opens in Montana today, marking the first open season in the state in 15 years. What do you think?
  • "Well, I know where Ted Nugent’s going to be this weekend."

    Donald Lombardi Brick Mason
  • "Now how about cutting down some of the trees that have begun to wander outside of Yellowstone National Park?"

    Marie Russell-Kendrick Agricultural Sciences Teacher
  • "The only thing more thrilling than hunting an animal to the brink of extinction is hunting an animal to the brink of extinction, letting it come back from the brink just slightly, and then starting to hunt it again."

    Ted Hicks Hairdresser

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