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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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More Crimes Linked To ‘Slender Man’ Internet Meme

Following an incident in which two teenage girls allegedly attacked a friend to honor the fictional internet meme, police are reporting more incidents of violent crime linked to Slender Man, a tall, faceless paranormal creature popularized on sites like Creepypasta. What do you think?

  • “Oh, like you’ve never attacked someone to honor an internet meme.”

    Scott Glazer Unemployed
  • “Being a defense attorney must be the worst when you have to say Creepypasta during a trial.”

    Donna Nevins Stock Photo Cataloguer
  • “What we need is for Good Guy Greg to step in and fix this.”

    Mark Ecklund Bicycle Repairer

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