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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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More Mideast Violence

Last week, Hamas suicide bombers killed 25 in Jerusalem and Haifa, and Israel retaliated with air strikes. What do you think about the latest wave of Mideast bloodshed?
  • "It's nice to see senseless religious violence back where it belongs."

    Isaac Dunham Systems Analyst
  • "If only the parents of those Hamas militants had spotted the suicide-bombing warning signs in time."

    Mel Moreno File Clerk
  • "Maybe someday they'll take my advice and put a huge lid on the entire region—just as soon as lid technology becomes sufficiently advanced."

    Paul Bergen Architect
  • "I'm sorry. I answered this question for the media in 2000, 1999, 1998, 1996, 1994, 1991, 1989, 1986, 1982, 1979, 1978, 1976, and 1972. And once, in 1969, my dad answered for me."

    Pete Tyler Electrician
  • "Why can't these people just get along? Oh, yeah... because they all think they've been specially chosen by God."

    Mary Winchell Homemaker
  • "Hey, if I were denied a heavily disputed piece of land, I'd blow up innocent civilians with a crude bomb strapped around my midsection, too. No, wait, I wouldn't. That's fucking insane."

    Allison Flowers Graduate Student

More from this section

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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