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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
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More Mideast Violence

Last week, Hamas suicide bombers killed 25 in Jerusalem and Haifa, and Israel retaliated with air strikes. What do you think about the latest wave of Mideast bloodshed?
  • "It's nice to see senseless religious violence back where it belongs."

    Isaac Dunham
    Systems Analyst
  • "If only the parents of those Hamas militants had spotted the suicide-bombing warning signs in time."

    Mel Moreno
    File Clerk
  • "Maybe someday they'll take my advice and put a huge lid on the entire region—just as soon as lid technology becomes sufficiently advanced."

    Paul Bergen
    Architect
  • "I'm sorry. I answered this question for the media in 2000, 1999, 1998, 1996, 1994, 1991, 1989, 1986, 1982, 1979, 1978, 1976, and 1972. And once, in 1969, my dad answered for me."

    Pete Tyler
    Electrician
  • "Why can't these people just get along? Oh, yeah... because they all think they've been specially chosen by God."

    Mary Winchell
    Homemaker
  • "Hey, if I were denied a heavily disputed piece of land, I'd blow up innocent civilians with a crude bomb strapped around my midsection, too. No, wait, I wouldn't. That's fucking insane."

    Allison Flowers
    Graduate Student
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