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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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More Mideast Violence

Last week, Hamas suicide bombers killed 25 in Jerusalem and Haifa, and Israel retaliated with air strikes. What do you think about the latest wave of Mideast bloodshed?
  • "It's nice to see senseless religious violence back where it belongs."

    Isaac Dunham Systems Analyst
  • "If only the parents of those Hamas militants had spotted the suicide-bombing warning signs in time."

    Mel Moreno File Clerk
  • "Maybe someday they'll take my advice and put a huge lid on the entire region—just as soon as lid technology becomes sufficiently advanced."

    Paul Bergen Architect
  • "I'm sorry. I answered this question for the media in 2000, 1999, 1998, 1996, 1994, 1991, 1989, 1986, 1982, 1979, 1978, 1976, and 1972. And once, in 1969, my dad answered for me."

    Pete Tyler Electrician
  • "Why can't these people just get along? Oh, yeah... because they all think they've been specially chosen by God."

    Mary Winchell Homemaker
  • "Hey, if I were denied a heavily disputed piece of land, I'd blow up innocent civilians with a crude bomb strapped around my midsection, too. No, wait, I wouldn't. That's fucking insane."

    Allison Flowers Graduate Student

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