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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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More Peanut Butter Products Recalled

As more cases of peanut-butter-related salmonella pop up, more products are being recalled, including cookies, snack bars, and ice cream. What you think?
  • "Finally, the day has come when I will no longer be ridiculed for eating a jelly and fish-paste sandwich."

    Loretta Rinehart Materials Manager
  • "So, am I sick because of the salmonella or because I just ate 5 pounds of Reese's Pieces?"

    Brian Hale Armored Car Messenger
  • "I hope they get this figured out soon so I can return to providing my child with lunch."

    Gregory Carpenter Systems Analyst

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