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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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More Peanut Butter Products Recalled

As more cases of peanut-butter-related salmonella pop up, more products are being recalled, including cookies, snack bars, and ice cream. What you think?
  • "Finally, the day has come when I will no longer be ridiculed for eating a jelly and fish-paste sandwich."

    Loretta Rinehart Materials Manager
  • "So, am I sick because of the salmonella or because I just ate 5 pounds of Reese's Pieces?"

    Brian Hale Armored Car Messenger
  • "I hope they get this figured out soon so I can return to providing my child with lunch."

    Gregory Carpenter Systems Analyst
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