Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You

Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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More People Committing Insurance Fraud

According to the National Insurance Crime Bureau, suspicious vehicle fires are up 27 percent, staged car accidents are up 34 percent, and suspicious slip-and-fall claims are up 60 percent. What do you think?
  • "It's exactly this sort of behavior that makes it harder for honest people like me to collect claims when our car is stolen and abandoned in a pasture near my brother's house before inexplicably bursting into flames just days after we upgrade our coverage.”

    Joanne Lawton Architectural Drafter
  • "Frauds fail because they get greedy. Start small. Catch your hand in bike spokes. Burn the soles of your feet on exhaust pipes. Then work yourself up to shed fires."

    Charles Farnsworth Systems Analyst
  • "It's a shame that some people will do anything for money. Can you help me put this silver paint on my thighs? I have to pretend to be a robot in the park now.”

    Ryan Chase Living Statue

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