adBlockCheck

Recent News

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

More People Turning To YouTube For News

A study from the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism found that people are increasingly turning to online video sites like YouTube for their news, with eyewitness footage of events such as natural disasters and political unrest proving particularly popular. What do you think?

  • “I knew there was a reason why print newspapers were dying, but I never suspected it had anything to do with the Internet. Thanks, Project for Excellence in Journalism! Once again, you have lived up to your name!”

    Agnes Bellingham Ballerina
  • “TV news is the worst. It’s like if the weather guy is wearing something stupid, there’s nowhere to even comment ‘LOL nice fag tie!’”

    Scott Brave Air Quality Analyst
  • “I’ve watched the 2004 tsunami probably 300 times.”

    Kyung Park Museum Curator
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings