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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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More Teens Suffering Hearing Loss

An analysis of data over a 15-year period shows that 19.5 percent of teens have experienced hearing loss, an increase of nearly a third that is mostly attributable to earbud use. What do you think?

  • "No big deal. I've heard a bunch of stuff in my life, and there's really nothing that important."

    Jerri Rew Systems Analyst
  • "Great, now I’m going to have to start passing notes to my daughter telling her to lose some weight."

    Paul Windsor Load Clerk
  • "You know who lost his hearing because of loud music? Pete Townshend. And now he goes out there every night and performs under the impression that his guitar is actually making sound. It's sad."

    Barry Davies Track Inspector

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