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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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More Teens Suffering Hearing Loss

An analysis of data over a 15-year period shows that 19.5 percent of teens have experienced hearing loss, an increase of nearly a third that is mostly attributable to earbud use. What do you think?

  • "No big deal. I've heard a bunch of stuff in my life, and there's really nothing that important."

    Jerri Rew Systems Analyst
  • "Great, now I’m going to have to start passing notes to my daughter telling her to lose some weight."

    Paul Windsor Load Clerk
  • "You know who lost his hearing because of loud music? Pete Townshend. And now he goes out there every night and performs under the impression that his guitar is actually making sound. It's sad."

    Barry Davies Track Inspector
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