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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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More Teens Using E-Cigarettes

While the percentage of teens who smoked cigarettes stayed roughly the same between 2011 and 2012, health officials found that the percentage of high schoolers and middle schoolers who used e-cigarettes nearly doubled. What do you think?

  • “What is it with teens and their obsession with vapor?!”

    Walt Trezise Rheumatologist
  • “I’m more concerned that teens may think these things look just as cool as cigarettes.”

    Marisa Cameron Swimming Instructor
  • “Everybody knows once you nab Stephen Dorff as your spokesperson, you own the teen market.”

    Skip Whitelaw Wool Grader

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