adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

More Teens Using E-Cigarettes

While the percentage of teens who smoked cigarettes stayed roughly the same between 2011 and 2012, health officials found that the percentage of high schoolers and middle schoolers who used e-cigarettes nearly doubled. What do you think?

  • “What is it with teens and their obsession with vapor?!”

    Walt Trezise Rheumatologist
  • “I’m more concerned that teens may think these things look just as cool as cigarettes.”

    Marisa Cameron Swimming Instructor
  • “Everybody knows once you nab Stephen Dorff as your spokesperson, you own the teen market.”

    Skip Whitelaw Wool Grader

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close