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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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More Teens Using E-Cigarettes

While the percentage of teens who smoked cigarettes stayed roughly the same between 2011 and 2012, health officials found that the percentage of high schoolers and middle schoolers who used e-cigarettes nearly doubled. What do you think?

  • “What is it with teens and their obsession with vapor?!”

    Walt Trezise Rheumatologist
  • “I’m more concerned that teens may think these things look just as cool as cigarettes.”

    Marisa Cameron Swimming Instructor
  • “Everybody knows once you nab Stephen Dorff as your spokesperson, you own the teen market.”

    Skip Whitelaw Wool Grader

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