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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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More Women Getting Hand Surgery To Look Good In ‘Ring Selfies’

A growing number of engaged women are undergoing plastic surgery procedures on their hands to look better in pictures they take of the rings on their fingers, known as “ring selfies,” paying $3,000 or more to smooth out skin texture and reduce the appearance of veins. What do you think?

  • “It’s nice having a crazy expense like this to fill the gap between purchasing an absurdly overpriced ring and throwing a ludicrously expensive wedding.”

    Marion Strano Brand Ambassador
  • “Why do that when you can just hire a hand model for about a third of the price?”

    Jerry Bresnahan Keyboard Cleaner
  • “And all this time, I never realized I could’ve been judging women by their hands.”

    Ted Schubb Floor Plan Tester

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