More Women Moving In With Partners Before Marriage

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

More Women Moving In With Partners Before Marriage

According to a new study, between 2006 and 2010, 48 percent of all women between the ages of 15 and 44 moved in with their male partners without being married, up from 34 percent in 1995. What do you think?

  • “I’m gonna start reciting Bible verses at random. Stop me when I hit one that forbids this.”

    Hugh Rand
    Administrative Analyst
  • “Well, sure. Everyone knows there’s nothing hotter for your sex life than a surprise-free domestic routine.”

    Laura Meyerson
    Ferris Wheel Operator
  • “Not me. Mother and I will be living off her disability checks until the proper suitor comes along.”

    Leslie Glover
    Unemployed