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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Mormons To March In Gay Pride Parade

One hundred representatives from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will be marching at the head of the Salt Lake City pride parade to show support for the LGBT community. What do you think?

  • "Within the Mormon church, it's very progressive to recognize gay people's right to walk around in public."

    Tasha McGee Systems Analyst
  • "Before we get all giddy, let's wait and see what they've written on their signs."

    Bert Nicholas Yard Worker
  • "I think the church will probably move the Tabernacle while those 100 are marching so they can't find it when the parade's over."

    Eugene Rasulala Engravings Polisher

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