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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Morning-After Pill Doesn’t Work For Heavier Women

According to the French pharmaceutical manufacturer HRA Pharma, the active ingredient in morning-after pills is not fully effective in women who weigh over 165 pounds and is ineffective in women who weigh more than 176 pounds. What do you think?

  • “Its a good thing I weigh all my women before intercourse.”

    Matthew Maltz Unemployed
  • “But you don’t reach peak sexuality until at least 175 pounds.”

    Bethany Kirkpatrick Baggage Handler
  • “How much should the man weigh?”

    Nathaniel Tricco Diplomat

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