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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Morning-After Pill Doesn’t Work For Heavier Women

According to the French pharmaceutical manufacturer HRA Pharma, the active ingredient in morning-after pills is not fully effective in women who weigh over 165 pounds and is ineffective in women who weigh more than 176 pounds. What do you think?

  • “Its a good thing I weigh all my women before intercourse.”

    Matthew Maltz Unemployed
  • “But you don’t reach peak sexuality until at least 175 pounds.”

    Bethany Kirkpatrick Baggage Handler
  • “How much should the man weigh?”

    Nathaniel Tricco Diplomat
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