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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Morning-After Pill To Be Sold To 17-Year-Olds

A federal judge has ruled that the Food and Drug Administration failed to follow its own protocols when reviewing the birth control pill Plan B and must now allow it to be sold to 17-year-olds without a prescription. What do you think?
  • “As someone who lost his virginity at 25, I’m strongly opposed to anything that reminds me that people were already having sex in high school.”

    Clint Paulo Reservationist
  • “I thought most pharmacies just had a barrel of the stuff out front.”

    Paul Sakich MRI Technician
  • “It's like I always say, if you're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to ingest 1.5 milligrams of levonorgestrel to prevent ovulation, fertilization, and implantation of a blastocyst.”

    Kelly Krutsch Payroll Administrator
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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