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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Morning-After Pill To Be Sold To 17-Year-Olds

A federal judge has ruled that the Food and Drug Administration failed to follow its own protocols when reviewing the birth control pill Plan B and must now allow it to be sold to 17-year-olds without a prescription. What do you think?
  • “As someone who lost his virginity at 25, I’m strongly opposed to anything that reminds me that people were already having sex in high school.”

    Clint Paulo Reservationist
  • “I thought most pharmacies just had a barrel of the stuff out front.”

    Paul Sakich MRI Technician
  • “It's like I always say, if you're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to ingest 1.5 milligrams of levonorgestrel to prevent ovulation, fertilization, and implantation of a blastocyst.”

    Kelly Krutsch Payroll Administrator

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