Morrissey Stable After Onstage Collapse

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Vol 45 Issue 44

House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents

HARTFORD, MI—On the outside it may look like any other home, but within the walls of 6535 Maple Ave. lies a terrifying secret: Every night, when the sun goes down and the moon comes out, this suburban bungalow is haunted by the restless, tormented souls of its residents, the Davidson family.
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UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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Morrissey Stable After Onstage Collapse

Former Smiths singer Morrissey is in stable condition after developing breathing problems and falling to the ground during a performance in Swindon, England. What do you think?
  • "I'm tempted to say something sour and deprecating about Morrissey, but I'm sure he's already put it into verse."

    James Mick
    Utilities Equipment Repairer
  • "Nothing affirms the dreary sameness of life like surviving a near-death experience just to do the same thing again tomorrow."

    Jess Pitkin
    Maintenance Planner
  • "What a coincidence. At that very moment I was listening to 'There Is A Light That Never Goes Out,' as I do every moment of every day."

    Vernon Marine
    Convenience Store Supervisor
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