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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Most Americans Okay With NSA Surveillance

A poll found that 56 percent of Americans believe the NSA’s collection of phone record data is “acceptable,” saying that the government’s need to protect against a terrorist attack outweighed citizens’ right to privacy. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, but what the hell do we know?”

    Kirk Glass Marine Insurance Salesman
  • “You watch—the terrorists will have different poll numbers that say exactly the opposite.”

    Janine Brockett Vocal Coach
  • “If it stops me from becoming a terrorist, I’m all for it.”

    Tom Rivera Athletic Director

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