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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Mountain Dew Introduces 'Kickstart' Breakfast Drink

On February 25, PepsiCo will roll out its new line of caffeinated Mountain Dew Kickstart sparkling juice beverages, which will be marketed as an alternative to coffee or tea. What do you think?

  • “Great! I do most of my skysurfing in the morning.”

    Richard Poitier Bench Assembler
  • “You know, there are many mornings when I’m having my coffee and I wonder if there isn’t some Dew I should be doing.”

    Celia Vassallo Horticulturalist
  • “Nice. I’ve been looking for just the right beverage to wash down the Jimmy Dean Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick I like to eat on the bus.”

    Chris Gutierrez Tape Duplicator

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