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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Mountain Dew Introduces 'Kickstart' Breakfast Drink

On February 25, PepsiCo will roll out its new line of caffeinated Mountain Dew Kickstart sparkling juice beverages, which will be marketed as an alternative to coffee or tea. What do you think?

  • “Great! I do most of my skysurfing in the morning.”

    Richard Poitier Bench Assembler
  • “You know, there are many mornings when I’m having my coffee and I wonder if there isn’t some Dew I should be doing.”

    Celia Vassallo Horticulturalist
  • “Nice. I’ve been looking for just the right beverage to wash down the Jimmy Dean Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick I like to eat on the bus.”

    Chris Gutierrez Tape Duplicator

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