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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Mouse Study Suggests Soda Consumption May Be Fatal

A new study found that female mice that consistently consumed 25 percent of their calories in the form of added sugar, which is the equivalent of a human drinking three cans of soda per day, died at twice the rate of mice that were not on the high-sugar diet. What do you think?

  • “Don’t feed soda to mice. Got it.”

    Kristi Mondell General Practitioner
  • “That’s a roundabout way to kill mice, but it sounds more humane than those sticky traps.”

    Bron Pedigo Drapery Cutter
  • “That’s why I always run my soda through a Brita filter two or three times first. It tastes awful, but at least it’s healthier, I think.”

    Tom Leetch Puppeteer

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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