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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Moussaoui May Be Executed

A federal jury reached the verdict that Zacarias Moussaoui, the alleged 20th Sept. 11 hijacker, is eligible for the death penalty. What do you think?
  • "Yes! Finally we have somebody to blame for the deaths of thousands and thousands of people. Thank God he wasn't on one of those planes."

    Darby Conley Media Buyer
  • "We have to be careful not to turn him into a martyr—or a bionic killing machine. Actually, between the two, we should probably go with martyr."

    Patrick McDonnell Deli Owner
  • "Can we put him in a little remote-control plane and crash him into a Vegas casino for demolition? Because that would be some awesome television."

    Lynn Johnston Student

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