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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Moussaoui May Be Executed

A federal jury reached the verdict that Zacarias Moussaoui, the alleged 20th Sept. 11 hijacker, is eligible for the death penalty. What do you think?
  • "Yes! Finally we have somebody to blame for the deaths of thousands and thousands of people. Thank God he wasn't on one of those planes."

    Darby Conley Media Buyer
  • "We have to be careful not to turn him into a martyr—or a bionic killing machine. Actually, between the two, we should probably go with martyr."

    Patrick McDonnell Deli Owner
  • "Can we put him in a little remote-control plane and crash him into a Vegas casino for demolition? Because that would be some awesome television."

    Lynn Johnston Student

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