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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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MPAA Backs Off College Students

After charging that college students were responsible for 44 percent of revenue losses due to illegal downloading of movies, the Motion Picture Association of America recently conceded that the number was closer to 15 percent. What do you think?
  • “However, they are 70 percent responsible for the ‘American Pie’ sequels.”

    Danny Chulew Receptionist
  • “I still don’t think that’s true, I only downloaded about 7 percent of ‘Spider-Man 3’ before my roommate told me it sucked.”

    Paula Kleppe Systems Analyst
  • "Movie theaters have sticky floors, and the concessions cost too much money. People bring their infants to inappropriate movies, where they cry loudly. Perhaps one of these humorous observations could account for decreased revenue."

    Christopher Rimes Cabinetmaker

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