Murder Down In The Big Apple

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Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Preparedness

Report: One In Three Americans Will Get Dessert If Someone Else Does

WASHINGTON—Noting that many of those surveyed reported feeling kind of full but could “probably make room” for ice cream or pie, a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center found that nearly a third of Americans would be willing to get dessert if someone else does.

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Murder Down In The Big Apple

Murder rates dropped in New York City for the third straight year in 1996, with total homicides in the city under 1,000 for the first time since the mid-1960s. What do you think of the surprising statistics?
  • "I guess the murderers are finally realizing it's about quality, not quantity."

    Evelyn Boucai
    Parole Officer
  • "I'm baffled. In 1996, I killed twice as many people as usual, and still this decline. Someone's not pulling their weight."

    Roger Gifford
    Systems Analyst
  • "I heard that the New York murder rate was under 1,000, but once I get that backstage pass to Rent, it should be up to 1,045."

    Don Auletta
    Speech Pathologist
  • "The murder rate is plummeting as people over the age of 75 continue to die. No, wait—that's Murder She Wrote ratings."

    Mitch Dubin
    Plumber
  • "Does this number include the countless murders that were committed against helpless fetuses in my womb? If not, add three more for '96."

    Sima Storch
    Lawyer
  • "Hmm... New York City's murder rate is down. So how is the Internet helping to shape our view of this important phenomenon? Hi, I'm Time magazine editor Walter Isaacson."

    Stan Pagiavlas
    Actuary