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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Murder Down In The Big Apple

Murder rates dropped in New York City for the third straight year in 1996, with total homicides in the city under 1,000 for the first time since the mid-1960s. What do you think of the surprising statistics?
  • "I guess the murderers are finally realizing it's about quality, not quantity."

    Evelyn Boucai Parole Officer
  • "I'm baffled. In 1996, I killed twice as many people as usual, and still this decline. Someone's not pulling their weight."

    Roger Gifford Systems Analyst
  • "I heard that the New York murder rate was under 1,000, but once I get that backstage pass to Rent, it should be up to 1,045."

    Don Auletta Speech Pathologist
  • "The murder rate is plummeting as people over the age of 75 continue to die. No, wait—that's Murder She Wrote ratings."

    Mitch Dubin Plumber
  • "Does this number include the countless murders that were committed against helpless fetuses in my womb? If not, add three more for '96."

    Sima Storch Lawyer
  • "Hmm... New York City's murder rate is down. So how is the Internet helping to shape our view of this important phenomenon? Hi, I'm Time magazine editor Walter Isaacson."

    Stan Pagiavlas Actuary

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