Murder Down In The Big Apple

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Murder Down In The Big Apple

Murder rates dropped in New York City for the third straight year in 1996, with total homicides in the city under 1,000 for the first time since the mid-1960s. What do you think of the surprising statistics?
  • "I guess the murderers are finally realizing it's about quality, not quantity."

    Evelyn Boucai
    Parole Officer
  • "I'm baffled. In 1996, I killed twice as many people as usual, and still this decline. Someone's not pulling their weight."

    Roger Gifford
    Systems Analyst
  • "I heard that the New York murder rate was under 1,000, but once I get that backstage pass to Rent, it should be up to 1,045."

    Don Auletta
    Speech Pathologist
  • "The murder rate is plummeting as people over the age of 75 continue to die. No, wait—that's Murder She Wrote ratings."

    Mitch Dubin
    Plumber
  • "Does this number include the countless murders that were committed against helpless fetuses in my womb? If not, add three more for '96."

    Sima Storch
    Lawyer
  • "Hmm... New York City's murder rate is down. So how is the Internet helping to shape our view of this important phenomenon? Hi, I'm Time magazine editor Walter Isaacson."

    Stan Pagiavlas
    Actuary