adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
End Of Section
  • More News

Murder Down In The Big Apple

Murder rates dropped in New York City for the third straight year in 1996, with total homicides in the city under 1,000 for the first time since the mid-1960s. What do you think of the surprising statistics?
  • "I guess the murderers are finally realizing it's about quality, not quantity."

    Evelyn Boucai Parole Officer
  • "I'm baffled. In 1996, I killed twice as many people as usual, and still this decline. Someone's not pulling their weight."

    Roger Gifford Systems Analyst
  • "I heard that the New York murder rate was under 1,000, but once I get that backstage pass to Rent, it should be up to 1,045."

    Don Auletta Speech Pathologist
  • "The murder rate is plummeting as people over the age of 75 continue to die. No, wait—that's Murder She Wrote ratings."

    Mitch Dubin Plumber
  • "Does this number include the countless murders that were committed against helpless fetuses in my womb? If not, add three more for '96."

    Sima Storch Lawyer
  • "Hmm... New York City's murder rate is down. So how is the Internet helping to shape our view of this important phenomenon? Hi, I'm Time magazine editor Walter Isaacson."

    Stan Pagiavlas Actuary

More from this section

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close