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Murder No Longer Among Top Killers In U.S.

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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Murder No Longer Among Top Killers In U.S.

For the first time since 1965, murder was not among the top 15 causes of death in the United States, having been replaced by the respiratory ailment pneumonitis. What do you think?

  • "Top 15? I had no idea there were so many ways to die."

    Alex Paich
    Systems Analyst
  • "Yeah, but the No. 1 cause is 'freak wind accident,' so that hardly comforts me."

    Diana Porcaro
    Tooth Clerk
  • "Aw, that’s just on accounta Clyde being in lockup is all. He’ll be out in June."

    Gene Hungate
    Auxiliary Equipment Tender

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