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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Murder No Longer Among Top Killers In U.S.

For the first time since 1965, murder was not among the top 15 causes of death in the United States, having been replaced by the respiratory ailment pneumonitis. What do you think?

  • "Top 15? I had no idea there were so many ways to die."

    Alex Paich Systems Analyst
  • "Yeah, but the No. 1 cause is 'freak wind accident,' so that hardly comforts me."

    Diana Porcaro Tooth Clerk
  • "Aw, that’s just on accounta Clyde being in lockup is all. He’ll be out in June."

    Gene Hungate Auxiliary Equipment Tender

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