adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Murder No Longer Among Top Killers In U.S.

For the first time since 1965, murder was not among the top 15 causes of death in the United States, having been replaced by the respiratory ailment pneumonitis. What do you think?

  • "Top 15? I had no idea there were so many ways to die."

    Alex Paich Systems Analyst
  • "Yeah, but the No. 1 cause is 'freak wind accident,' so that hardly comforts me."

    Diana Porcaro Tooth Clerk
  • "Aw, that’s just on accounta Clyde being in lockup is all. He’ll be out in June."

    Gene Hungate Auxiliary Equipment Tender

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close