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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Mutant Butterflies Found Near Fukushima

Near the site of the 2011 nuclear accident in Fukushima, Japan, researchers have found severe mutations in the wings, antennae, legs, and eyes of pale grass blue butterflies, abnormalities likely caused by exposure to radiation. What do you think?

  • "I hate it when things continue to have horrible consequences long after I've stopped paying attention."

    Jenilee Fottrell Van Driver
  • "Yeah, I know that all sounds cool, but if you think about it, it's actually kind of sad."

    Mateo Zulo Sanding Machine Buffer
  • "Screeeeeeeeee! Screeeeeeeeee!"

    Mothra

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