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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Mysterious Google Barges Seen On East, West Coasts

Many are speculating that two mysterious barges containing four-story structures, one docked in Portland, ME and another in San Francisco, are owned by tech giant Google and may contain floating data centers or promotional Google Glass store locations. What do you think?

  • “Ooh, a new barge! This is exciting!”

    Gavin Cabral Webmaster
  • “That’s genius. Could there be a more secure location than an open barge at sea?”

    Lisbeth Crowe Unemployed
  • “Oh, man. Now even a data center has gone on a cruise before me.”

    Richard Santoro Histologist

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