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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Mysterious White Surrender Flags Appear Above Brooklyn Bridge

NYC police are investigating the mysterious appearance of two white surrender flags above the Brooklyn Bridge that were apparently planted by vandals who scaled to the top in the middle of the night, saying that it could be an art project. What do you think?

  • “I’d agree it was some sort of conceptual art project, if Brooklyn were known for that kind of thing.”

    Jonathan Curtis Quality Control Specialist
  • “In the absence of hard facts about this, does anybody have any wild speculation?”

    Ben Johnstone, Anchor Hoister
  • “Oh man, I wish I had beliefs strong enough to climb that high.”

    Katie Pompilio Garnish Adder
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