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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Mysterious White Surrender Flags Appear Above Brooklyn Bridge

NYC police are investigating the mysterious appearance of two white surrender flags above the Brooklyn Bridge that were apparently planted by vandals who scaled to the top in the middle of the night, saying that it could be an art project. What do you think?

  • “I’d agree it was some sort of conceptual art project, if Brooklyn were known for that kind of thing.”

    Jonathan Curtis Quality Control Specialist
  • “In the absence of hard facts about this, does anybody have any wild speculation?”

    Ben Johnstone, Anchor Hoister
  • “Oh man, I wish I had beliefs strong enough to climb that high.”

    Katie Pompilio Garnish Adder
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