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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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NAACP Versus The Network

Outraged over the lack of minority representation in the new fall prime-time lineups, NAACP president Kweisi Mfume recently accused the major television networks of perpetuating "a virtual whitewash in programming." What do you think?
  • "Black people are just as entitled to their own underwritten, one-dimensional characters as the rest of us."

    Steve Flores Bricklayer
  • "I've worked with poverty-stricken youths in inner-city homeless shelters, and if there's one thing these kids need, it's to see more blacks on TV."

    Tami Johnson Social Worker
  • "With the possible exception of MLK's assassination, there has been no greater setback in the struggle for racial equality than the 1996 cancellation of Homeboys In Outer Space."

    Dale Gibson Systems Analyst
  • "You've got to realize, there are two sides to every story. As a network exec, sure, I was criticized by the NAACP, but the NAAWP named me their Man Of The Year."

    Roy Bainbridge Network Executive
  • "I'm behind the NAACP 100 percent. Why? Because I really care about advancing colored people. Let's hear it for the coloreds!"

    Carol Schinker Bank Teller
  • "Dammit. The second you said 'Blacks on TV,' I got the theme from Martin stuck in my head. 'Mah-iiiin... Mah-iiiin.' Christ, that's annoying."

    Doug Slattery House Painter
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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