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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Naomi Campbell Assaults Maid

Supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested for throwing a phone at a housekeeper, making this her third assault accusation to date. What do you think?
  • “She's getting a little long in the tooth for this modeling business. Seems to me she's just trying to make a graceful transition to roller derby.”

    David Grubbs Cashier
  • “I, for one, will never be able to look at her half-naked body the same way again.”

    Jan Fine Senior Export Licenser
  • “Can't we let her go one more time? She's only got two or three more good years left on her.”

    Sooyoung Park Carpet Installer
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