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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Naomi Campbell Assaults Maid

Supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested for throwing a phone at a housekeeper, making this her third assault accusation to date. What do you think?
  • “She's getting a little long in the tooth for this modeling business. Seems to me she's just trying to make a graceful transition to roller derby.”

    David Grubbs Cashier
  • “I, for one, will never be able to look at her half-naked body the same way again.”

    Jan Fine Senior Export Licenser
  • “Can't we let her go one more time? She's only got two or three more good years left on her.”

    Sooyoung Park Carpet Installer

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