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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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NASA Developing 3D Food Printer

Aiming to feed astronauts efficiently on long space missions in the future, NASA has awarded a $125,000 grant to develop a printer that can create three-dimensional food items, which will use cartridges containing edible powders that have a shelf life of 30 years. What do you think?

  • “Ooh, if I were one of the astronauts, I’d make everything into a fun otter shape.”

    Mel Kivel Wicker Worker
  • “It’s kind of heartening to know that, just like us, future astronauts will be eating complete shit as well.”

    Dick Holmes Thermometer Maker
  • “I usually try not to eat anything that’s more than five years old.”

    Deirdre Lounsbery Gold Stamper

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