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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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NASA Developing 3D Food Printer

Aiming to feed astronauts efficiently on long space missions in the future, NASA has awarded a $125,000 grant to develop a printer that can create three-dimensional food items, which will use cartridges containing edible powders that have a shelf life of 30 years. What do you think?

  • “Ooh, if I were one of the astronauts, I’d make everything into a fun otter shape.”

    Mel Kivel Wicker Worker
  • “It’s kind of heartening to know that, just like us, future astronauts will be eating complete shit as well.”

    Dick Holmes Thermometer Maker
  • “I usually try not to eat anything that’s more than five years old.”

    Deirdre Lounsbery Gold Stamper
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