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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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NASA: Humans Will Find Aliens Within Next 20 Years

A panel of NASA scientists announced this week that they estimate humans will encounter extraterrestrials within the next 20 years, predicting that as many as 100 million worlds in the Milky Way may have alien life. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, well they better be full-sized aliens, not some microorganism bullshit.”

    Malcolm Russell Takeout Order Dispatcher
  • “Not good enough. I want a specific date.”

    Kyle Marsden Unemployed
  • “Those extraterrestrials could be looking for us as well. I hope they leave a few folks at home so someone’s there to meet us when we get there."

    McKenzie Bartlett Hospital Scrubs Designer

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