NASA Offering $18K To Stay In Bed For 70 Days

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Vol 49 Issue 39

Jay Kogen

Caricature artist Jay Kogen went easy on the jowls.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Four Picks

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Scientists Recommend Having Earth Put Down

FORT COLLINS, CO—Claiming that it is the humane thing to do, and that the planet is “just going to suffer” if kept alive any longer, members of the world’s scientific community recommended today that Earth be put down. “We re...
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Small Business

NASA Offering $18K To Stay In Bed For 70 Days

NASA researchers will pay volunteers $18,000 to stay for 10 weeks in a bed inclined at six degrees, such that subjects’ feet are higher than their heads, which simulates cardiovascular conditions seen in space. What do you think?

  • “By my accounting, someone already owes me like eleven grand.”

    Spencer Kane
    Casting Agent
  • “Six-degree incline? Forget it.”

    Wayne Martin
    Trench Coat Designer
  • “Dang. And all this time I’ve been letting my muscles atrophy for free.”

    Eve Irwin
    Systems Analyst
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