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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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NASA Running Out Of Fuel

NASA is running short of plutonium-238, the fuel needed in deep space missions, because nuclear warhead production has slowed dramatically since the end of the Cold War. What do you think?
  • “If they don’t have any plutonium, maybe they could just use a bolt of lightning, like in Back To The Future.”

    Francis Penn Systems Analyst
  • "This is really pretty simple: We need to start up the Cold War again. And while we're at it, let’s go back to leaded gasoline."

    Christine Safrey Elevator Inspector
  • "Can't we just microwave some plutonium-229?"

    Alton Ramos Road Grader

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