adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

NASA Running Out Of Fuel

NASA is running short of plutonium-238, the fuel needed in deep space missions, because nuclear warhead production has slowed dramatically since the end of the Cold War. What do you think?
  • “If they don’t have any plutonium, maybe they could just use a bolt of lightning, like in Back To The Future.”

    Francis Penn Systems Analyst
  • "This is really pretty simple: We need to start up the Cold War again. And while we're at it, let’s go back to leaded gasoline."

    Christine Safrey Elevator Inspector
  • "Can't we just microwave some plutonium-229?"

    Alton Ramos Road Grader

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close