adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

NASA Seeking Astronauts

Faced with a potential shortfall of qualified personnel, NASA is currently accepting new applications for its astronaut-training program. What do you think?

  • “Perfect! I've had a hard time finding work, and it would be nice to keep the family in Houston.”

    Luke Avsec Unemployed
  • "I’ve always dreamed of going into space. Then I wipe the sweat off my brow and try to get back to sleep."

    Keith Hoenes Inseam Trimmer
  • "In the application, can you state that, instead of being sent to Mars, you'd prefer being miniaturized and injected into someone's bloodstream?"

    Rebecca McClain Attorney

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close