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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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NASA Selling Space Shuttle Facilities

Following the termination of its space shuttle program, NASA is seeking to sell or lease many of its facilities in Cape Canaveral, FL, including hangars, a nearly three-mile landing strip, and the shuttle launchpad. What do you think?

  • “This is the perfect gift for the person who has everything, including a space shuttle.”

    Isabel Benitez Wax Pourer
  • “Is this for real? Because I don’t want to get burned like that time I tried to buy a spaceship hangar off of Craigslist.”

    Mike Cusack Bill Clerk
  • “Can the facilities fit my queen-sized bed? I won’t consider it unless it can fit my queen-sized bed. I love that bed.”

    Curtis Slade Athletic Director
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