adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

NASA To Capture Asteroid, Drag It Back To Earth

Eyeing a launch date in 2019, NASA plans to send a robotic vehicle into space that will capture an asteroid using a “baggie with a drawstring” mechanism, then pull the space rock back near Earth, allowing for close study by a later manned mission. What do you think?

  • “If I don’t live to 2019, I’m glad I have the chance now to say this is stupid.”

    Hugh Muir Systems Analyst
  • “Imagine that. You fly around for 4 billion years and one day someone puts you in a bag.”

    Trina Flores Fingerprint Clerk
  • “Oh, so it’s fine when NASA does something like this, but I wind up on a sex offender registry.”

    Dick Gibbon Naval Designer

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close