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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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NASA To Capture Asteroid, Drag It Back To Earth

Eyeing a launch date in 2019, NASA plans to send a robotic vehicle into space that will capture an asteroid using a “baggie with a drawstring” mechanism, then pull the space rock back near Earth, allowing for close study by a later manned mission. What do you think?

  • “If I don’t live to 2019, I’m glad I have the chance now to say this is stupid.”

    Hugh Muir Systems Analyst
  • “Imagine that. You fly around for 4 billion years and one day someone puts you in a bag.”

    Trina Flores Fingerprint Clerk
  • “Oh, so it’s fine when NASA does something like this, but I wind up on a sex offender registry.”

    Dick Gibbon Naval Designer
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