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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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NASA To Capture Asteroid, Drag It Back To Earth

Eyeing a launch date in 2019, NASA plans to send a robotic vehicle into space that will capture an asteroid using a “baggie with a drawstring” mechanism, then pull the space rock back near Earth, allowing for close study by a later manned mission. What do you think?

  • “If I don’t live to 2019, I’m glad I have the chance now to say this is stupid.”

    Hugh Muir Systems Analyst
  • “Imagine that. You fly around for 4 billion years and one day someone puts you in a bag.”

    Trina Flores Fingerprint Clerk
  • “Oh, so it’s fine when NASA does something like this, but I wind up on a sex offender registry.”

    Dick Gibbon Naval Designer
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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