NASA To Capture Asteroid, Drag It Back To Earth

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

NASA To Capture Asteroid, Drag It Back To Earth

Eyeing a launch date in 2019, NASA plans to send a robotic vehicle into space that will capture an asteroid using a “baggie with a drawstring” mechanism, then pull the space rock back near Earth, allowing for close study by a later manned mission. What do you think?

  • “If I don’t live to 2019, I’m glad I have the chance now to say this is stupid.”

    Hugh Muir
    Systems Analyst
  • “Imagine that. You fly around for 4 billion years and one day someone puts you in a bag.”

    Trina Flores
    Fingerprint Clerk
  • “Oh, so it’s fine when NASA does something like this, but I wind up on a sex offender registry.”

    Dick Gibbon
    Naval Designer