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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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NASA To Send New Rover To Mars In 2020

Following the success of its Curiosity rover, which has made key discoveries about the past existence of liquid water on the surface of Mars, NASA announced its intention to send another large rover to the Red Planet in the year 2020. What do you think?

  • “Ha, ha, ha! Like NASA is going to be around in 2020.”

    Ralph Roth Homicide Squad Sargeant
  • “That’s stupid. Can’t NASA think of any other planets?”

    Olga Swan Embossing Machine Operator
  • “Wow, what an amazing idea. Have they considered sending a third one after that?”

    Thad Slevin Meat Smoker
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