Nation Faces Record Heat

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Preparedness

Nation Faces Record Heat

A devastating heat wave that began in the Southwest is moving through the Midwest and East, racking up record-breaking, triple-digit temperatures. What do you think?
  • "As a radio DJ, I couldn't be happier. 'Heat Wave,' 'Summer In the City,' 'Fire'­—they just don't make 'em like that anymore."

    Ryan Lalley
    DJ
  • "I'm tired of this shameless viral marketing for An Inconvenient Truth. The movie premiered in May. Enough already!"

    Justin Henson
    Paper Maker
  • "The nice thing about a heat wave is that everybody's trying to stay cool indoors and you can go to the bathroom pretty much wherever you want outside."

    Lisa Jennings
    Radiologist