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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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National Cyber Security

The Department of Homeland Security recently identified a serious Internet security flaw that could leave the web vulnerable to hackers. What do you think?
  • "If someone can take down the Internet, our nation stands in grave danger of being massively inconvenienced."

    Lois Foster Training Specialist
  • "The danger is evident. We must post tanks at the entrances to all cyber cafes immediately."

    Roy Benjamin Manager
  • "We're safe, unless the hacker community finds out about this."

    Sean Hughes Systems Analyst
  • "Hmm. Maybe outsourcing all those programming jobs to Afghanistan was a bad idea, after all."

    Aaron Brookings Family Practitioner
  • "The terrorists have already put an end to free music downloads. What's next?"

    Lori Simmons Dancer
  • "My God! What would we do if there was no Internet? Go back to watching television?"

    Russ Ward Deliveryman
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