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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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National Cyber Security

The Department of Homeland Security recently identified a serious Internet security flaw that could leave the web vulnerable to hackers. What do you think?
  • "If someone can take down the Internet, our nation stands in grave danger of being massively inconvenienced."

    Lois Foster Training Specialist
  • "The danger is evident. We must post tanks at the entrances to all cyber cafes immediately."

    Roy Benjamin Manager
  • "We're safe, unless the hacker community finds out about this."

    Sean Hughes Systems Analyst
  • "Hmm. Maybe outsourcing all those programming jobs to Afghanistan was a bad idea, after all."

    Aaron Brookings Family Practitioner
  • "The terrorists have already put an end to free music downloads. What's next?"

    Lori Simmons Dancer
  • "My God! What would we do if there was no Internet? Go back to watching television?"

    Russ Ward Deliveryman

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