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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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National Dog Bite Prevention Week Begins

This week is National Dog Bite Prevention Week, which aims to reduce the 4.5 million dog bites that occur in the United States every year. What do you think?

  • "Someday we'll have enough 'Beware of Dog' signs to finally put this menace to rest."

    Simon Shollenberger Systems Analyst
  • "I told the guys we should have scheduled Rabies Contraction Week in October, but does anyone listen?"

    Kathleen Giska Packer
  • "Okay, fine, but next week I'm going back to being bitten."

    Franklin Mastrian Luggage Checker

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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